I don't wanna hear the phrase 'social media' again

I have like/hate feelings with social media. That phrase has been repeated too many times.

My dislike probably stems from my own embarrassing experiences in social media. I know that once, I tried to show off and tried to portray a cooler version of myself, and when I recall that I cringe. All the shitty things I posted and all the crappy comments and messages I've sent sometimes makes me wish there was a switch to make me forget those things. Also, I don't trust relationships that begin in social media (which almost always also end in social media)... Maybe it doesn't apply to everyone, but in my own experience all the likes, chats, and comments don't compare to knowing someone in real life. In Facebook I sometimes feel that someone is only showing off, and when I'm also showing off then we end up presenting our fake selves to each other. Then when we meet in real life again and I find that I resent them, that he or she doesn't actually know me (or do I know them) with any factual basis because of the castle of lies and assumptions from their impressions of me in social media.

Also, I've noticed that Facebook (or the website of your choice) and mocking people on Facebook has become a past time. It seems that Facebook has dominated our everyday life, our relationships, present and inevitable as the air you're breathing. Is it just me, or do people try to make their lives seem so enviable? (Or maybe I am merely jealous because no one likes my posts). I scroll past Facebook and I admit I sometimes get envious. Other people... prettier, hotter, thinner, more lovable, get more likes, have more exciting lives, take better pictures, in some fabulous vacation abroad, in a relationship or whatever. What gets me is food porn, when they post luscious pictures of what they're eating and it just makes me so jealous... and hungry for cakes and drinks I can't afford.

Then I realize getting jealous is also me being self-centered. Me, me, me, comparing myself to them and what I lack. So I deactivate, get away from it for a while. And I use anonymous websites and fake names in accounts with none of the people I know in real life. I find them much more comfortable than people I know the actual names and faces of.

If not for Facebook, I wouldn't know or even remember barely half of my acquaintances or former friends that are no longer friends. And sometimes we're all not part of each other's lives anymore, that I prefer just forgetting about them save for a few.

2013, a year in review

Overall, it has been a good year. I've been feeling the blues now and then, but I got over them. I lost 'friends' but those have been my decisions and I'm willing to live with the consequences. Nah, that sounds like drama but nothing dramatic has happened.

I've learned and realized a lot of small things I wished I did earlier. Like how to swim properly, I just discovered it could be fun, how the only trick to learn is not to panic and let the water work for you and not against you. Like wearing dresses is much more comfortable, and convenient for laundry than the usual ensemble of shirt and jeans. Small things that are actually pleasant, like being more kind and grateful to my family, and learning to be a better friend to others who also support me.

I've learned how important it is to not let other people define myself. Sometimes, people may seem to have good intentions but are actually trying to control me. Other people will think what they want, have their own opinions about others. But what I dislike is when they impose their thoughts, thinking that their opinion and what's best for them will be best for me. They probably don't realize that they're hurting people, when they don't even know the situation of that person, but run their mouths with self-important opinions without truly listening or understanding the other person's side. I realized that there are right people you should listen to, and listening to the wrong people who think they are right will only make it worse. It is not self-centered to say, Thank you, but I know who I am better, and your opinions are shit and stop shoving them to me. You shove yours to mine anyway, but act like I don't have a right to talk back. So here, I'm shoving it back to your face. Then leave with a dramatic turn, walk away, and don't look back.

We're getting far from the subject of new year. This year, I started writing more, a few poems (some which I've posted here) and some stories (which are not here), but I think I've improved a lot. The best way of learning a thing is doing it. Next year, I want to write more.

Also: the only important thing in school is enjoying learning. Everything else is secondary. I know most students these days act cynical towards their studies, and I think that's a sad thing. I really loathed going to school when I started college. But when I discovered subjects I enjoyed, like Library & Information Science, I never think of reports and assignments and papers as a bother. I loved doing them, because my enthusiasm was like an endless well. And getting good grades was just a bonus. And what did I get from that? I got the university scholarship twice this year, and didn't have to pay my full tuition for two semesters, saved a lot of cash problems. Not that they are my goals, but I think they're a result of positive things leading to more positive things.

That's it. The thought of 2014 is both scary and exciting. Going back to school this January will be hectic.

What I should've said

"People in France have a phrase: "staircase wit" or "spirit of the stairway". In French: esprit de l'escalier. It means that moment when you find the answer, but it's too late. Say you're at a party and someone insults you. You have to say something. So under pressure, with everybody watching, you say something lame. But the moment you leave the party.... As you start down the stairway, then-magic. You come up with the perfect thing you should've said. The perfect crippling put-down. That’s the spirit of the stairway." (from the short story "Guts" by Chuck Palahniuk)

That always happens to me. Most of the time, the perfect things to say always arrive late, and I'm always regretting it. This happens when I'm being plastic and afterwards I almost want to puke because I feel slimy that I even entertained someone I dislike. Sometimes its better to be hated than have that feeling. One example is, my brother passed an entrance exam for a university and someone just asked, "You have a backer, right?". That's a bit insulting, the person didn't even consider that you can pass the exam through your own effort. He told me that he almost wanted to say, "Backer? Backer? Back-lasin ko mukha mo kaya?" Well, doesn't sound that funny when I write it but I laughed when we talked about it.

Funny thing is, a classmate keeps on commenting about my weight and I already rehearsed in my mind what I will say when she's at it again. But I keep on forgetting what I have practiced in my mind and end up a speechless idiot. Anyway, here are things I should've said but haven't got the chance to say, so I still think about them:

Classmate: "When you get thinner you'll look more like a woman."
What I said: *I just nodded* What I wished I said: "WTF? Then thin women are more womanly than those who do not reach your ideal of thinness?"

Someone bragging: "I have this mental disorder," and saying like its a badge to be proud of.
What I said: *No answer* What I wished I said: "Then what are your medications? None? I bet you only diagnosed yourself on Wikipedia. Those with real disorders don't brag about it like you do."

Someone bragging: "I recommended my fashion designer friend that she should design a pinoy duster which doubles as a lingerie."
What I said: *No answer* What I wished I said: "WTF? I bet your friend was only humoring you and you're full of yourself thinking that she will take on your lame ideas. Duster/lingerie? Have you seen a damn nightgown?"

Someone bragging: "I was once like you, too. I changed and became better."
What I said: *No answer* What I wished I said: "Don't you know that you're being condescending and patronizing? You don't even know me. When did I even last talk to you? In a conversation I've forgotten years ago? Did I ask you to help me become better? Well, I always felt alright with myself unlike you."

Someone playing devil's advocate: "I do this to all my friends!"
What I said: *No answer* What I wished I said: "Who told you I'm your friend? "

Each of these happened with more than one person, just with different words. I don't want to be a smiling idiot anymore when I'm being a pretentious good girl, just taking in what they say and hiding irritation with a grin. Next time, I'll say it because they just clog my mind.

Writing practice things

If I wrote on my blog as regularly as I do on my notebooks, I'd have 500+ entries by now, but I keep my crap to myself. But most of the time, I forget this thing exists. My notebooks are not journals, mostly it is a chaotic mishmash of my day, and a lot of random writing exercises I made up for myself. Sometimes I reread them, most of the time it is boring, sometimes I am fascinated by my own mundane life. It started with that Wild Mind book years ago, and the habit is hard to break. So, here are examples of things I've written (I'm posting it because hello I need something to post to fill this blog up with new stuff):

June: Life Lessons from Subway Surfers (I had to uninstall it from my phone, too distracting)
"Subway Surfers" is an addicting game, I even dreamed of it last night. I jump, somersault, air-fly through the eternal three-lane subway and try to be careful and try my best not to collide with trains and metal stop signs, not to slam my face and end the game, while avoiding a fat policeman also forever on the chase. I can think of it as a metaphor for life, it keeps on going on day by day in a subway of eternal days (that will keep on going on until I die), leaping forever. Even if I happen to face-wall through a train's windshield or the red-painted metal of attached storage boxcars, there is always another game, an eternity to play but I must stop thinking of that subway, instead focus on the real quizzes I will take today and at 7 AM sharp tomorrow morning.

Kamakhya, an aspect of Kali.

May: Religous Idols
When I was young, my mother forbid having religous icons in the house, mostly Catholic artifacts of pictures or statues of saints. My brother once got an Xmas gift of a simple stained glass with a picture of the holy family (with Jesus' heart out for all to see) and a generic prayer in Times New Roman. She gave it away. I wasn't in the communion rites of 90% of the class in grade 2. I dislike the solemn expression of the Christian saints.
I recall a sidewalk sculpting shop specializing in making Virgin Marys and all else. Plaster casts and cement filling a room made of bamboo and rusting tin roof. Praying, our lady of the sidewalk. I'm not Catholic, always thought their service too ritualistic. But now I hardly go to church. I grew up with my mom's religious conspiracy books saying the Catholic church as the real whore of Babylon, harbringer of the End of the World, Jezebel the Mistress of Sin.
I find more fascinating the statues of Hindu gods: four-armed Kali, pastel multi-colored heads of Kamakhya, white Shiva, blue-skinned Ramayana. Not sure, I don't even know if those names I wrote are the actual names of those deities. I should learn more about them. Mother Hydra, Cthulhu, Buddha. A paper-weight laughing fat Buddha, or the reclined one with fat lips and closed eyes.
I recall how once G pointed to a golden figure displayed in the library and arrogantly said, "They're their gods, search the net," and I shouldv'e answered, "Yeah, if you know so much then who are they?"

January: Fireworks are boring
Last night, I went to SM with my classmates to look at fireworks. I went home reeking with BO and other odors that clung to me from swimming in that crowd where I felt nauseous claustrophobia. It feels good to be in open air again. Straining my neck to look upwards the exploding things got boring quickly, and in that crowd I wished I never would have gone because my house is near and the view is pretty much the same from my window where I can sit without my neck hurt.
There were a few unique fireworks. Shimmering zooms. A little spark bursting in the middle of the sky and the tiny lights bursting into tiny explosions. Shooting stars with streaming, sparkling tails. Their finale favorite was that glittering chandelier thing that seemed to envelope the entire sky. After all, it's not every night there's a fireworks display, but I'm sick of it. It's the same, but now I have an idea why people flock to watch it.
Dinagyang, the actual festival on Sunday? That, I never learned to appreciate even if I was born here. I have never watched it live, only on TV.

Etc.

Other stuff first...
- Despite a violent-sounding post earlier, I don't recommend face-punching as a method to end arguments. I only imagine it, that doesn't hurt anyone. In the news, an angry dude killed his coach by punching him in the face. Don't try it! But if I could, I would, because it could be useful...
- Backpfeifengesicht is a German word meaning "A face badly in need of a fist" or "a face begging to be introduced to fist".
- The best read I found to beat procrastination: Reasons why you should do Thing ヽ(*・ω・)ﾉ

---

 -Ways of Learning-

From a short pamphlet by Peter Drucker, Managing Oneself:

Schools are organized on the assumption that there is only one right way to learn and that it is the same for everybody. But to be forced to learn the way a school teaches is sheer hell for students who learn differently.

I had a difficult time as a student before, because I didn't learn how to learn. It was only in second year college that I began to have better grades because I discovered a simple technique in studying for exams: read, reread then highlight, summarize the main points on a piece of scratch paper, and review. It takes little time (than when I was still struggling) and I like getting over exams and outputs quickly so I finish them as soon as possible. I try to avoid classmates who create contests about who didn't start yet.

Peter Drucker said in Managing Oneself that people learn differently. Some learn by writing (that's me), others by doing, and others by talking or listening. Another important question to ask oneself is: am I a reader or a listener? Some process the written word better than the spoken word.

To sum it up, learn how your mind works... then knowing/retaining things become easier.

---

Here is a giant 'long arm' squid live:
It looks like an alien with a pretty hat.

"April's ending already!?" [long rant ahead]

I was about to write something eloquent to say that this blog will be updated rarely, that I'm thinking of abandoning it and just post book reviews. Then, something happens that makes me say: Wait, I still have a lot of Shit To Say that I can only write out. Writing it out is better than speaking it out loud. Words can be rewritten, edited, and polished to convey what I want to say clearer than when I speak. My writing personality is stronger than the rest of me. I think the 'me' here is different from Real Life^TM. Except when:

"You keep a blog, and in that blog you say shit, and the shit comes back to haunt you," said author Caitlín R. Kiernan in an interview. For me, that also applies to all stupid things and comments I ever posted on the internet. Or anything I ever told anyone I now regret telling them. I'm not a fan of 'opening up'.

These two pictures sum it up:

I have more sympathy for the sunken Titanic.

This is what I want to tell anyone who imposes on me their Idea Of Fun. It seems they don't even know what 'relativity' means. I have tried to conform to their Idea Of Fun, but turns out I was happier in MY own Idea Of Fun. Yes, I get this all the time. I have to keep my cool because sometimes these people need a dose of a Punch In The Face^TM  for their arguments. Not that I'm strong enough to hit them, but its what I imagine doing. "My Idea Of Fun? You leaving me alone," is what I will say next time it happens. (This is not about books at all like in the picture).

This sounds vague. To be specific (I hate bringing this up again): annoying extroverts who try to convince introverts that extroversion is the Only Way To Be. Hell, that I even describe myself as that was a long time ago! Someone assumed I was "anti-social" and proceeded to lecture me and try to 'improve' me. What the hell? The issue is very simple: I get along okay with everyone! I just really need some alone time or I'll go crazy! Is that so abnormal? Problem is, they don't even believe me or hear out my side. They'd rather stick to their imaginary version of me. They'd rather tell me what they think is RIGHT, when I'm fine and alright with myself.

I was really drained from entertaining his arguments. He never succeeded in 'improving' me (only in pissing me off, which I think was his intention all along then tell me to 'Calm down' when I was reasonably explaining my side). Well, congratulations mister! You're a Toxic Energy Vampire I'd get rid from my life! "I'm not anti-social, I just don't like you! I'm only anti-social towards you."

OMFG, why didn't I think of that last two sentences earlier? Really, all good answers come late. I should've said it lovingly, with a smile and a happy tone. Ah, let's just erase this day from memory.

All this? What happens when someone creates problems out of nothing. 

Moral lesson: It's people who assume they are 'well-meaning' are prone to be control freaks. They tend to be assholes who aren't aware they are assholes because of their (self)righteous ideas. I learned today to never speak to them in the first place. They seem to get an odd satisfaction when they get people to shut up. I don't know how to say that in English: it's when people are like, "Te, nag-hipos man sya gali" to prove themselves right. They get off on that. Don't speak to them and pretend they don't exist. They won't have the satisfaction of 'shutting you up' if you don't speak to them. I wish I was strong enough to do a decent Punch In The Face^TM on them. For now I'm content with the mental image.

My Answer: That quote from Neil Armstrong I posted a long time ago. Ah, maybe that person didn't care enough to be updated about my life. Not that I expect anyone to be.

---

 Topic #3: Quotes of the Week

I'm reading a funny story. Some may be annoyed by the main character's attitude, but he has reasons for acting that way. If I was surrounded with people like those around him I'd act like that, too. Some quotes:

• "He was the careless dud, the false alarm, somebody who strived to be nobody."
• "Nobody liked him and he liked nobody. That was the natural balance of the world around him and that was where it needed to stay. A friend would only get in his way."
• "At least his sister put food into his stomach and a roof over his head. These teachers didn't offer anything of remote use to him, and thus he wouldn't succumb to their will."
• "After all, where he went people did not follow, and where he stayed was were people left. It suited him just fine."
• "He was not a joker. He was just one of those drifting nobodies who wished everyone would leave him the hell alone.

---

In writing all that out, I feel so calm now. Something to laugh about later.This is the last time I mention it, and somehow I don't feel angry anymore -- I just feel pathetic for wasting my time.

Earthquakes

Lately, I had a couple of dreams where there's earthquakes. I wake with a jolt, sitting up from bed too quickly as the dream-earthquake must be Intensity 10 and my mind still racked by pseudo-aftershocks. The first dream, I was at the highest floor of a tall building. The ground shaking, everything toppling down as I ran down the fire exit stairs, it felt so real. I wake, walking with dizzy balance as another day starts. I wake up inexplicably tired. 
***
I remember two earthquakes last 2012, in February and November. I was in the school both times. From the wide green field, one can see everyone rushing out of buildings. There's an odd silence combined with the low voices of people simultaneously talking about where they were those few seconds when it happened. Everyone's standing in open space, waiting for aftershocks. A water puddle beside where I stand is still rippling. Moments ago, the liquid was spinning and splashing around as if in a storm. 
***
My classmate had an interesting observation. "Ever noticed that after a quake, the weather turns like this?" she asks. The sky is grey-white and entirely covered in clouds, like its still deciding whether to let it rain or not.Often, it doesn't. The air is somewhere between cold and humid. I reply, "Now that you've mentioned it, I don't recall a sunny earthquake."
***
I almost memorized everything about earthquakes from an Earth Science textbook. The teacher is carefree and talkative, one who loves to gossip instead of talking about the lessons. He was likable at first-- until you see the exams and his strictness on laboratory reports. Each meeting was a laugh trip, but soon he's enumerating details about his sex life, things I don't care about-- I was so bored and irritated that I tried to block out his babbling by actually reading the textbook in class. See how irritated I was?

I only recall unconnected terms and details. There are three kinds of waves with varying effects on different kinds of matter. To find out the exact epicenter, there must be three seismic stations to calculate the distance in a method known as triangulation. These are easily-forgotten facts and empty names to fill blanks in an exam paper. 
***
I read about rocks, oceans, volcanic activity, earthquakes, the various things moving and heating up within the earth to change the surface. Mountains flatten, volcanoes erode, continents break, islands grow out of sea, plates collide and mountains arise from the impact. It takes hundreds to billions of years. In our lifetime, the changes are too slow to see. How brief human life is compared to eons in geologic time, the textbook says. I'm not sure how I feel about that-- somewhere between disappointment and relief. Life's too long, but too short all the same.

Something I forgot to mention.

A while back, I posted something long and corny about my college history. I forgot to mention something crucial to my change of mind. I used to hate school, then I got used to it and I even like it now. There's a reason.

[Unrelated: CPU is where I attend university, but now there's a widespread joke that its CKU: Central Korean University, due to the Korean population explosion in the campus and even the university football team is all Korean guys. They'll warn you not to cross the field while they practice with incoherent shouts. Many students are annoyed by that.]

(Back to the topic.) CPU has a major student population of working students. Most of my friends there are, and they work 20 hours a week (even more) to pay for tuition, and they have different side jobs to earn aside from that. One is a busy masseur who travels all over the island. Others sell pastries, AVON products, does laundry. Most of them had a history of stopping school to work -- I have a classmate who was a caregiver to a rich Chinese businessman's mother. I enjoy their stories.

Sometimes when they all talk about their experiences, which I enjoy listening to, I feel awkward because I have nothing to say. I've realized that I never seriously thought about money. I never realized that I am what they would consider 'lucky' or 'privileged' because while I am not rich, my parents earn enough that I don't need to work for myself. In my mind, everyone was probably like me. There was a time when my mother was in a bit of trouble because of credit card debt, but life looks fairly okay for now and a few years into the future.

Well, knowing them, I realized that all my troubles were so petty and I felt like an ungrateful brat who takes what she has for granted. Hell, I agonized over things so shitty and not worth anyone's time. They have lived with the uncertainty of where the next meal will be from, if their make-shift homes in illegal areas will still be there tomorrow. No, they don't sound sad. They talk like it was all fun, and I laugh along.

I guess the moral lesson is obvious.

Words, etc...

I wonder why I now automatically cringe at any mention of the word 'confidence'. When someone on TV claims to be more 'confident' I'd stop watching. I'd like to think that the concept of 'confidence' doesn't exist. If ever I have imagined myself to be more 'confident' it was a lie or I was fooling myself. Its almost like the word SALE, but SALE is the worst. There's no word I'd like to disappear more than SALE. I walk in a mall and that word is plastered everywhere, you see it a thousand times in one place. SALE SALE SALE. Its making me crazy. A SALE OF SOULS! Malls are brainwashing us.

Classes again next week. Which means, I haven't done anything listed on "important things to do this holiday break". All I did for two weeks was eat and surf the internet. Classes this sem are (since I've posted a list last 2 sems):

LIS 322: Introduction to Indexing & Abstracting
(I haven't learned yet how to do these but it sounds complicated.)
LIS 323: Introduction to Research Methods in LIS
LIS 326: Management of Academic Libraries
LIS 327: Documents, Serials, & Electronic Materials
(Serials and Journals are the most expensive of library materials. They're tricky to keep track of. Their prices are almost inhuman, but libraries must own quality research journals, especially for universities.)
Minors - Intro to Philosophy, Softball & Volleyball, World Literature

I have 7 subjects left! I've realized is LIS isn't about books (they're the extra bonus) but about business and management.

[I was about to put a picture here but I can't find it. Its a meme that says: "I don't always party alone, but when I do, no one knows."]

Overloadead

I'm in that period in college life that I'm swamped with a lot of work, but I enjoy them. I even like studying, researching, and reporting. My mind, all the ways I think of the world and deal with people, has significantly changed from what I was around the same time as last year.

I recently stumbled upon the comic strip Unshelved, about the cute little culture of libraries and librarians.

I'm an LIS student, and since there's less than 10 of us in class for every major subject, class doesn't feel like class, its more like a round-table discussion. Some subjects, we have a few from the Masteral degree still taking some undergraduate courses as a requirement and they're a lot older and more experienced about jobs and life in general... so it isn't a usual class. The major subjects for Library & Info. Science seem informal and comfortable, and it suits me.

OK, subjects this sem:
LIS 311: Information Technology in Libraries
LIS 315: Management of Libraries and Information Centers
LIS 317: Information Processing and Handling
LIS 318: Filipiniana Resources Management
LIS 419: Introduction to Archives and Records Management
Minors: Philippine Literature, Retorikang Filipino, Earth Science

Scott Douglas's tips for aspiring librarians from of Dispatches from a Public Librarian:
> Avoid cataloging classes; they will be pointless.
> Take an internship or practicum.
> Ninety percent of what your teachers teach you is theory that does you no good in the workplace; do your best to forget it after you leave school.
> Ask your teacher why a public library uses the Dewey cataloging system as opposed to LOC, then doodle for the next three hours while they explain it.
> Buy a laptop and play FreeCell during lectures.
> Libraries don't do, librarians do.
> Two weeks working in a library will give you more experience than two years in graduate school.
> Gain as much computer knowledge as humanly possible-- this will put you ahead of so many other librarians.
> Letters to the editor do not count as professional publications and will not impress the instructor.
> I am sorry to say that you may find your stay in graduate school to be not very stimulating and quite a yawn, but the job that follows is quite the contrary.

LIS isn't a very popular course, and there's still the outdated stereotypes about librarians and what they do, but we're evolving fast. Tell graduating high school students you know that there's currently, and will be, a demand for this job.

Well, this entry is a bit disjointed as my head since most major exams and two reports are due next week, and I don't want to leave this blog empty. OK...

Where all lost things go

*I wrote this when I was desperate because I lost something important (not a diary). I found it four weeks later when I wasn't thinking about it, here all along. I have quite a reputation for being forgetful and absent-minded. 

- - - - -

- - - - -

 She slumped on the chair, broom in hand. Strands of unkempt hair stuck on the moist sheen of sweat on her forehead and neck. A sigh of resignation. She's swept and overturned every corner of her room and the house, opened every bag and folder, rearranged entire shelves and drawers but she still didn't find it. I must have left it on the chair during class. But why would I leave it there when I always check? Appear! So she surveyed the room once more, swept, overturned, looked, reviewed her steps the day it was lost. Still nothing.

Stop tormenting me! Bring it back! The despair of something ultimately lost and irretrievable. The relief of finding it was just there after all (but not this time). She's ofen heard her mom complain to "them"-- invisible beings that borrow things only to "return" it to the place where youre sure you've placed that something. How many days has it been? Has someone read it? Well, my name's not there, but all my delusional thoughts, hatreds, and fantasies are there. Hell, why did I even write it all down!?

 After another unsucessful half-hour of searching, she ended up on the computer, googled "How to search for lost things". It suggested breathing exercises. Step 1: Don't look for it. Sometimes your stress doesn't make you clearly see what's in front of you, it says. Up to Step 13, which says Let Go. Simply accept it was lost. She skimmed another article on how to look for things using ESP and psychic powers, but she didn't read further than the first paragraph. Well, its just another notebook. Who'll know it was me anyway...

People always tell her she always looks lost. She's always looking for something. She almost has a talent for losing things when she most needs them. Her mother can't trust her with anything. They still haven't developed the software for my problem.

 The last thing she lost was her wallet with 2,000 pesos of tuition payment. She hasn't told her mother, she just starved in school for weeks to save it back. She lost five wallets before that. She's thought of going to school to look for it. The heat's outside unbearable and and her nth umbrella was left god-knows-where. No cash. She's lost her diary with her shittiest secrets not meant for anybody to read but herself.

 No, it wasn't filled with raunchy sexcapades (no potential or experience or appeal for that), it doesn't have classified information that will cost the safety of the country. She forgets everything but tells herself this is the last. But she loses another five things everytime she decides that, so not very encouraging. This won't work. Let's try the law of attraction: I will see it tomorrow, dancing in front of my face. I wish there was a spell for finding lost things. Where do lost things go?

How 2011 was

2010 was bad, as I was still trying to adjust back to school and was always thinking, "People are so strange!" when all along, I was the strange one. This is how things get when you have your own world like me.

In 2011, I got to know more people and had good friends. I'm still not used to it-- but when did I? It will take centuries before I feel fully at home here on Earth.

• Ayokong mag-post ng "Before and After" picture pero infernez, pumayat ako nung 2011.
• I kinds of dislike the phrase "books that changed my life" as I learn a bit of something new in all books I read even the bad ones, but if there is such list Zen Mind: Beginner's Mind by Shunryu Suzuki would top it. If I haven't read it, I'd still be the same egotistic blowhard I was in high school to 2010. I tried to fulfill empty goals like "If only I get higher grades...". The book taught me that the best way to do something is to just do it without any selfish gaining ideas and how important it is to have a beginner's mind. 
• Sadness is the same as happiness and the goal of meditation is not to feel both, but not in a bad way. An empty mind is ready for anything. Ignore both insult and praise. Learn to believe in Nothing. My favorite line is: "If a god comes, you will welcome him. If the devil comes, you will welcome him."
• Okay. I'm a shiny happy person now.

 from ndoherty again

Changes

Since my life was nothing for a year (didn't go out at all), I took 26 units this sem to see if I can take it. Its okay, but not a good idea and something I'll never do again. All I'm doing is either studying, reading, or completing requirements. I now find studying more entertaining than TV.

Gone are the days when I showed up in school for only three hours a day and stay home for the rest. Another countdown until the end of the semester, 20 school days left... but it seems as if I've lost sense of time after that one lone year (The Burnout of 2009). Its only now that I've begun to appreciate the advantages of being a shut-in. I don't have problems with relationships and people, I'm content with the few I know, and sometimes its better to keep away than get in trouble.
- - -
Before college, I thought studying to be a librarian was ridiculous. Now I'm taking the course Library and Information Science and its the most fun I've had. There's only six of us girls in our batch, with somewhat similar personalities (bookish loners), and our teachers are cool.

If someone asks about my course, he'll most likely be surprised that LIS exists. "Te may OPAC naman," someone told me. Well, the OPAC doesn't operate by itself. Cataloging and creating those entries is a complex process and that's what we're studying. Most don't know that there's a licensure board exam for librarians, and we can work as teachers. As long as there are schools and libraries, librarians are needed.
- - -
This song will always remind me that somehow things will work for the better.

Taking everything for granted but we still respect the time
We move along with some new passion knowing everything is fine
And I would wait and watch the hours fall in a hundred separate lines
But I regain repose and wonder how I ended up inside
...
But leaving now would be a good idea
So catch me up im getting out of here...

A belated happy birthday

The same guys on the header, Yamazaki and Misaki from Welcome to the NHK
If I had it my way, birthdays will be treated just like any other day. I turned 18 last March 31st and it wasn't much, there was lots of food but it seemed like its my family who celebrated and not me. Some asked, "You don't have friends who'll come?" and I marvel at how much I don't have a life. Then I got a surprise visit from a high school/college(in UP) schoolmate. Which isn't really a surprise, since I met Roy earlier at a mall and he remembered my birthday, and I prefer that than a hundred internet greetings from Facebook.
- - -
In a small city like ours, hang out in a mall long enough and you'll surely meet someone you know. One day I was only walking around when I met high school classmates, and later I'm already in the funeral wake of the father of an ex-classmate, engrossed for hours in a card game.

We talked about recent debut parties they attended, with dances and eighteen roses, everyone dressed up and alcoholic drinks passed around, and I see how lame my own birthday was but its alright.
- - -
In the former university I attended, far away from home, its like large-scale social interaction with drinking was the norm. Yes, it is the norm. I'm the one who doesn't go out until now. I realized one of the reasons I left was I can't get used to living in a room with others, and I believe at some point of my stay there I was going insane.

Unrelated things soon to be forgotten

Years ago, I saw a headline on the Entertainment pages of the Inquirer:  “Lindsay Lohan's Ex performs in Manila”. She's a DJ and the article was about the songs played, how good the party was, but I find it odd that her name was only mentioned once. She was mostly called “Lindsay Lohan's ex”.  She must be dating someone else or doing something else now, but she'll always be remembered as the ex of a famous star.

I experience the same. I used to have a friend, a popular girl. When I see people from elementary, I'm not my name but Diba siya na ang upod pirmi sang-una ni X? I'm only remembered as Someone's Friend. There's always the shadow of another person. At least I want to be known as myself, but I guess this can't be helped.

~*~

I dread the cliché “I'm only human.” Why, who said you were something else?

Every time something is dramatic, they'll always say “...like a telenovela.” Turn on the TV, its the same: lost babies, all the screaming, slapping, hair-pulling... I don't want my life like that.

I saw a quote reblogged on Tumblr from Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami:
“If you read what everybody else reads, you'll think what everybody else thinks.”
My first thought was, hey, everyone (not all, but many) reads Murakami. I disagree, not all will think the same about a book.

~*~

Hearing the opening theme of Ghost Fighter on GMA, I feel nostalgic for those days when I was 7 or 8-- going home after school to watch 6PM anime. Slam Dunk, Flame of Recca, Hunter X Hunter, all else.

Those anime mostly start with ordinary guy/girl living a normal life, then there's an adventure waiting on another world. Maybe watching those made me imagine the same thing will happen to me, where I find some sort of portal by accident. Its childish, I know. But I have my own story here and now.

~*~

My dreams all happen in a place I call Dream District. Its a mirror image of this city-- even has its own malls like the ones here.

Last night in Dream District, I was watching news on TV in an electronics shop. I meet myself from years back. She's wearing uniform and black sling bag. I said Hi, she didn't recognize me. I wanted to talk but she looked lost in her own thoughts.

Rambling

I can't blog. There are no "thoughts I can't just keep to myself any longer" as of the moment, I have nothing to say and my life isn't that interesting. Reality ate me and I'm staying away from the internet as much as possible because of school stuff. I find myself always deleting/editing entries because of words that I don't like anymore. I'd rather comment on other blogs than post on my own. I prefer anonymous forums than use something with my real name on it.

I've transferred schools and I feel much better here. My new friends are also transferees, they're cool. I've met a former classmate in a store and he told me nga na-miss ya man ko kuno kay wala na sila "quirky" nga classmate. Huh? Ako? Quirky? I hate that word. Wala ta ka ya na-miss. I don't have ill feelings or something like that for my previous school. The important thing I've learned in my stay there is: The more you know, the more you don't.

Figure it out. And that sometimes you have to know where you don't want to be before knowing what you want to do.