2013, a year in review

Overall, it has been a good year. I've been feeling the blues now and then, but I got over them. I lost 'friends' but those have been my decisions and I'm willing to live with the consequences. Nah, that sounds like drama but nothing dramatic has happened.

I've learned and realized a lot of small things I wished I did earlier. Like how to swim properly, I just discovered it could be fun, how the only trick to learn is not to panic and let the water work for you and not against you. Like wearing dresses is much more comfortable, and convenient for laundry than the usual ensemble of shirt and jeans. Small things that are actually pleasant, like being more kind and grateful to my family, and learning to be a better friend to others who also support me.

I've learned how important it is to not let other people define myself. Sometimes, people may seem to have good intentions but are actually trying to control me. Other people will think what they want, have their own opinions about others. But what I dislike is when they impose their thoughts, thinking that their opinion and what's best for them will be best for me. They probably don't realize that they're hurting people, when they don't even know the situation of that person, but run their mouths with self-important opinions without truly listening or understanding the other person's side. I realized that there are right people you should listen to, and listening to the wrong people who think they are right will only make it worse. It is not self-centered to say, Thank you, but I know who I am better, and your opinions are shit and stop shoving them to me. You shove yours to mine anyway, but act like I don't have a right to talk back. So here, I'm shoving it back to your face. Then leave with a dramatic turn, walk away, and don't look back.

We're getting far from the subject of new year. This year, I started writing more, a few poems (some which I've posted here) and some stories (which are not here), but I think I've improved a lot. The best way of learning a thing is doing it. Next year, I want to write more.

Also: the only important thing in school is enjoying learning. Everything else is secondary. I know most students these days act cynical towards their studies, and I think that's a sad thing. I really loathed going to school when I started college. But when I discovered subjects I enjoyed, like Library & Information Science, I never think of reports and assignments and papers as a bother. I loved doing them, because my enthusiasm was like an endless well. And getting good grades was just a bonus. And what did I get from that? I got the university scholarship twice this year, and didn't have to pay my full tuition for two semesters, saved a lot of cash problems. Not that they are my goals, but I think they're a result of positive things leading to more positive things.

That's it. The thought of 2014 is both scary and exciting. Going back to school this January will be hectic.

What I should've said

"People in France have a phrase: "staircase wit" or "spirit of the stairway". In French: esprit de l'escalier. It means that moment when you find the answer, but it's too late. Say you're at a party and someone insults you. You have to say something. So under pressure, with everybody watching, you say something lame. But the moment you leave the party.... As you start down the stairway, then-magic. You come up with the perfect thing you should've said. The perfect crippling put-down. That’s the spirit of the stairway." (from the short story "Guts" by Chuck Palahniuk)

That always happens to me. Most of the time, the perfect things to say always arrive late, and I'm always regretting it. This happens when I'm being plastic and afterwards I almost want to puke because I feel slimy that I even entertained someone I dislike. Sometimes its better to be hated than have that feeling. One example is, my brother passed an entrance exam for a university and someone just asked, "You have a backer, right?". That's a bit insulting, the person didn't even consider that you can pass the exam through your own effort. He told me that he almost wanted to say, "Backer? Backer? Back-lasin ko mukha mo kaya?" Well, doesn't sound that funny when I write it but I laughed when we talked about it.

Funny thing is, a classmate keeps on commenting about my weight and I already rehearsed in my mind what I will say when she's at it again. But I keep on forgetting what I have practiced in my mind and end up a speechless idiot. Anyway, here are things I should've said but haven't got the chance to say, so I still think about them:

Classmate: "When you get thinner you'll look more like a woman."
What I said: *I just nodded* What I wished I said: "WTF? Then thin women are more womanly than those who do not reach your ideal of thinness?"

Someone bragging: "I have this mental disorder," and saying like its a badge to be proud of.
What I said: *No answer* What I wished I said: "Then what are your medications? None? I bet you only diagnosed yourself on Wikipedia. Those with real disorders don't brag about it like you do."

Someone bragging: "I recommended my fashion designer friend that she should design a pinoy duster which doubles as a lingerie."
What I said: *No answer* What I wished I said: "WTF? I bet your friend was only humoring you and you're full of yourself thinking that she will take on your lame ideas. Duster/lingerie? Have you seen a damn nightgown?"

Someone bragging: "I was once like you, too. I changed and became better."
What I said: *No answer* What I wished I said: "Don't you know that you're being condescending and patronizing? You don't even know me. When did I even last talk to you? In a conversation I've forgotten years ago? Did I ask you to help me become better? Well, I always felt alright with myself unlike you."

Someone playing devil's advocate: "I do this to all my friends!"
What I said: *No answer* What I wished I said: "Who told you I'm your friend? "

Each of these happened with more than one person, just with different words. I don't want to be a smiling idiot anymore when I'm being a pretentious good girl, just taking in what they say and hiding irritation with a grin. Next time, I'll say it because they just clog my mind.

Thinner than thou, or ‘Fat Blues’ [a poem]

What, you’re eating regular meals and then cereal? My smartass sister remarks.
She thinks she’s better than me because she’s thinner than me
Her meals are evenly measured in perfect two tablespoons of cooked rice
I cannot live that way, I gorge myself until I am full, I eat until I’m sick

I imagine what it is like if I was waif-like, having a slender body
Hearing people’s compliments of how thin I am
But in reality my chin sags, my thighs constrict my pants, if my upper arms were sliced I have a bagful of fat
My sister is 14 and I’m afraid she has a kind of anorexia her circumference is smaller than mine

But in reality I am jealous. She’s better than me because she’s thinner than me.
I imagine weight loss, I imagine how its like to have a tight stomach
Then I beat myself over for not moving more, for eating too much
Then I pass by someone whose first remark is how large I’ve become...

I like writing, I disappear, if my thoughts are on screen or on paper you can’t see how fat I am
I blame society, I blame the concept of beauty, I blame myself for being ugly
Even if how much I convince myself to accept myself and how much I read about self-acceptance
I MOTHERFUCKING CAN’T.

Each mealtime I think of avoiding her, and I feel like she’s sneering if I eat less
Even if you try to starve yourself you’ll never be as self-disciplined as I am! Hah, what you get for calling me fat before when you were smaller than me but look at us now
I know there is something wrong.
I am thinner than thou, thus better than thou

I want to disappear so no one will see I’m fat, so I won’t have to see my sister’s self-importance and competition
I want to take a knife and be on a mission, I’d cut everyone’s eyes out
So no one will judge by the cover, so I won’t have to feel like I have to (literally) diminish myself to win BEAUTY.


I want to devour I want to eat all I can eat even your flesh I want to eat the world I wish I were a dragon swallowing fire and dust and planets and I will encompass space I keep on imagining dragging myself away I want to lie and lie and sleep and not have anything else to do with the world I want to stop thinking of myself I wish

It's this site's 3rd anniversary of existence! On blogging.

Text analysis from URLai: "subfuse.blogspot.com is probably written by a female somewhere between 18-25 years old. The writing style is personal and upset most of the time." (that's right)

"Most blogs have precisely one reader -- the blogger themself." ~Eric Schmidt
"I write because to form a word with your lips and tongue or think a thing and then write it down so you can never take it back is the most powerful thing I know." ~Natalie Goldberg

Before the stream of quick updates in various social netwerking sites, there were blogs. Blogs were new then, now they are somewhat unused. I started one because I'm reading them, and I like reading about the minute details of other people's lives, what they like, how they see themselves and the world. At first, my brother was in Manila and its one way we can talk and share about the new stuff going on by reading each other's blogs. I started writing in online journals before I ever kept physical journals. This site may be 3 years old, but I've been writing online since 2006 (most of which no one reads but me) but its only now I think I have found my voice. I admit the earlier stuff there and here was me still trying to show off, and until now its all complaining.

I still see this tiny online space as a deserted island occupied by only me, located over the far coasts of dense cyberspace. I think of it as an online scrapbook rather than journal, as in most entries I've been copying and pasting things: videos, music, a lot of quotes, funny or insightful pictures. The content is lazy, I used to have a vision for it I've forgotten. The reasons why I like blogging:

• Lame as it sounds, changing the layout. I like playing around with colors and designs, installing themes. Putting moving .gif images to entries, too. They're fun to look at.
• It helped me write. If I wasn't writing about my lame life, writing will still seem like a daunting task most students are scared of. Actually, I started not having any idea about what writing is, I only learned it by doing automatic writing exercises from a strange zen/writing book. Blogging is a good beginning for all other writing, as there is an assumed audience (no matter how meager the visitors). When writing, you naturally begin to think of arranging and adjusting sentences that would make something more interesting to read about, you start caring about words.
• To speak out. I've written things I can't express when I'm only speaking, the audience is the world, and writing is my way of sharing an accurate picture of my thoughts. What I hate most is the suffocating feeling of other people defining myself for me, telling me what I am, forcing what they think, that who they think I am is who I am and I should change to suit their needs (not about me at all but about them). I don't mean to sound that self-centered, but its been an endless source of frustration as someone with an identity crisis. It's like theft. Does this sound too vague? It's like a way of saying, "These are my thoughts, what I think of myself. You can read or skip or leave as you wish."
• So I have a place to write about books, anime, manga, libraries, or whatever comes to mind that is worth writing about. If I post it on Facebook or Twitter, it doesn't feel right and my thoughts in long-form can't fit.
• Freedom. On the net distribution is free, we are self-published at almost no cost. Each site is personal, no one can say what we should do or write about, there are no rules.

From October 4, 2010, there are about 120 entries and a hundred posted comments. I'm not prolific and this site doesn't get a lot of hits. I thought of doing a list of 'best posts from 2010 to 2013', but scanning all the things I wrote here seems daunting. It feels like who I was at 17, 18, 19, and now at 20 are wholly different people. It might be fun, though, browsing and observing how a mind changes over the years. But I can't do it now... not due to some dramatic reason, but finals is coming next week...

This will still go on for a long time, for another three years or more. 

Here's a youtube rant

It's Pat Condell on misogyny in Islam, and how some people dismiss it because it's their 'culture'. (I also can't understand why it is more shameful to be raped than to be a rapist, not only in countries with extreme policies. When I talked to people here at home and tried to explain victim-blaming, I cringed when they said 'It's always the girl's fault'. We were talking about showbiz news and celebrity annulments!)

Girls have had enough of this. It's time to teach the rapists not to rape in the first place.

Other stuff: Last week (Sept. 5) was supposed to be my last University Day at school but I wasn't able to attend because my left foot accidentally got run over by our car. Just a slight injury, there was no blood, I can still walk, but was in pain and had to x-ray it to make sure nothing bad happened. So I was here at home since Thursday (Doctor's orders not to strain it too much), reading Valente, typing assignments, and watching anime.

"April's ending already!?" [long rant ahead]

I was about to write something eloquent to say that this blog will be updated rarely, that I'm thinking of abandoning it and just post book reviews. Then, something happens that makes me say: Wait, I still have a lot of Shit To Say that I can only write out. Writing it out is better than speaking it out loud. Words can be rewritten, edited, and polished to convey what I want to say clearer than when I speak. My writing personality is stronger than the rest of me. I think the 'me' here is different from Real Life^TM. Except when:

"You keep a blog, and in that blog you say shit, and the shit comes back to haunt you," said author Caitlín R. Kiernan in an interview. For me, that also applies to all stupid things and comments I ever posted on the internet. Or anything I ever told anyone I now regret telling them. I'm not a fan of 'opening up'.

These two pictures sum it up:

I have more sympathy for the sunken Titanic.

This is what I want to tell anyone who imposes on me their Idea Of Fun. It seems they don't even know what 'relativity' means. I have tried to conform to their Idea Of Fun, but turns out I was happier in MY own Idea Of Fun. Yes, I get this all the time. I have to keep my cool because sometimes these people need a dose of a Punch In The Face^TM  for their arguments. Not that I'm strong enough to hit them, but its what I imagine doing. "My Idea Of Fun? You leaving me alone," is what I will say next time it happens. (This is not about books at all like in the picture).

This sounds vague. To be specific (I hate bringing this up again): annoying extroverts who try to convince introverts that extroversion is the Only Way To Be. Hell, that I even describe myself as that was a long time ago! Someone assumed I was "anti-social" and proceeded to lecture me and try to 'improve' me. What the hell? The issue is very simple: I get along okay with everyone! I just really need some alone time or I'll go crazy! Is that so abnormal? Problem is, they don't even believe me or hear out my side. They'd rather stick to their imaginary version of me. They'd rather tell me what they think is RIGHT, when I'm fine and alright with myself.

I was really drained from entertaining his arguments. He never succeeded in 'improving' me (only in pissing me off, which I think was his intention all along then tell me to 'Calm down' when I was reasonably explaining my side). Well, congratulations mister! You're a Toxic Energy Vampire I'd get rid from my life! "I'm not anti-social, I just don't like you! I'm only anti-social towards you."

OMFG, why didn't I think of that last two sentences earlier? Really, all good answers come late. I should've said it lovingly, with a smile and a happy tone. Ah, let's just erase this day from memory.

All this? What happens when someone creates problems out of nothing. 

Moral lesson: It's people who assume they are 'well-meaning' are prone to be control freaks. They tend to be assholes who aren't aware they are assholes because of their (self)righteous ideas. I learned today to never speak to them in the first place. They seem to get an odd satisfaction when they get people to shut up. I don't know how to say that in English: it's when people are like, "Te, nag-hipos man sya gali" to prove themselves right. They get off on that. Don't speak to them and pretend they don't exist. They won't have the satisfaction of 'shutting you up' if you don't speak to them. I wish I was strong enough to do a decent Punch In The Face^TM on them. For now I'm content with the mental image.

My Answer: That quote from Neil Armstrong I posted a long time ago. Ah, maybe that person didn't care enough to be updated about my life. Not that I expect anyone to be.

---

 Topic #3: Quotes of the Week

I'm reading a funny story. Some may be annoyed by the main character's attitude, but he has reasons for acting that way. If I was surrounded with people like those around him I'd act like that, too. Some quotes:

• "He was the careless dud, the false alarm, somebody who strived to be nobody."
• "Nobody liked him and he liked nobody. That was the natural balance of the world around him and that was where it needed to stay. A friend would only get in his way."
• "At least his sister put food into his stomach and a roof over his head. These teachers didn't offer anything of remote use to him, and thus he wouldn't succumb to their will."
• "After all, where he went people did not follow, and where he stayed was were people left. It suited him just fine."
• "He was not a joker. He was just one of those drifting nobodies who wished everyone would leave him the hell alone.

---

In writing all that out, I feel so calm now. Something to laugh about later.This is the last time I mention it, and somehow I don't feel angry anymore -- I just feel pathetic for wasting my time.

My 'Code of Ethics'

I made this for a class last 2011 and it has been stuck in my room's wall ever since. I use the tiny clipboard for reminders and to hang necklaces. The assignment was to create our own 'Code of Ethics' or 10 rules to live by and present it in a unique and creative way, so I chose a small bulletin board style. My 'rules' are:

1. Always respect others.
2. Don't think so highly about yourself-- or don't think about yourself.
3. Do not harbor negative feelings like wrath or envy.
4. Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.
5. Do not give in to negative pressures around you.
6. Be honest.
7. I will strive to do the right and moral thing according to God.
8. I will admit my mistakes and commit myself to doing better.
9. I will help those who have less than me.
10. I will take responsibility for my own life.

I didn't write #4, that's from the 11 Satanic rules of the Earth (ironically, but those are sound guidelines if you take the 'Satan' out). I haven't been very good at following these rules I made, but I still try. 

"Stop me if you've heard this one before," but to introspect is human nature.

This picture has nothing to do with this post. I've realized I'm turning 20 next year.
I have 3 months left until the -teen suffix is gone. Yet I still feel like I'm 12.

While high school batch-mates are getting sentimental about graduating college this March, I still have a year and this sem left. I will be graduating with the HS classmates who take 5-year Engineering courses. All in all until next year, it'll take 3 and 1/2 years for me to get done with BLIS. 5 years total in college that is, including (doomed from the very start) my previous attempt at Political Science which lasted for 1 1/2 semesters,  followed by a year of getting school off my head by not attending.

2009. Not going to school for a while eased years of trouble off my head. Since I can remember, I've always hated school. Nursery to 1st year college: that's around 13 years, and I've been at the most burnt of burn outs. I was a fairly capable student and excelled in subjects I'm genuinely interested in, but my hating school led to chronic absenteeism and suddenly anyone or anything just didn't hold enough interest in me to care. My parents noticed I didn't go to university anymore. I did go back to return overdue books in the library and pay fines. I pretended to go to school, when I only watched movies in mall cinemas alone to kill time. Finally, with resignation and not pushing me to do things I don't want to, it was my father who filed a leave of absence from school.

2010. No school. I spent most of my time reading. It felt good, no looming deadlines or annoying gossipy classmates to think of. I felt peace, but also a bit of guilt. It felt good that I don't have a responsibility to anyone or anything. I still felt slight pangs of guilt when I logged in websites and read about classmates enrolling, read casual conversations of happenings in school, when I wasn't doing anything except menial chores at home. I didn't try to think about it yet, but I knew that  later I will have to go back to those dreaded places called schools.

My brother finally pushed me to go back. "Do you want to return to UP?" was the question. "Of course not." was the absolute answer. It was all a haze. Its not because I hated the place or people or all I learned (which I am still grateful for even if I failed subjects), but all the hours of riding in those speedy jeeps felt like my mind eroded. It didn't seem to matter at that time. So we took a telephone directory and looked at advertisements of universities. That means I will have to choose a new course, another school. I picked one out without really thinking.

We had to go back to Miag-ao for signing clearances. It was just before the 2nd semester of 2010. There were no students in when we went, and the people signing seemed oddly nice now that I'm not going back.

2012. All of this is not a big deal. I think BLIS is more appropriate for me. What they teach is the actual stuff on the job, which I like more than abstract theories of thinking.

I got more accomplished when it comes to studies. Last sem, I got my first 1.0 in a 5-unit subject (IT in Libraries) and never got grades lower than 1.5. To my shock, I got a full scholarship for this semester because of that. It made my mom happy, which I hope somewhat makes up for all the trouble she had with me in those years I disliked school.

2014. On my last semester, there will only be 1 6-unit Practicum subject where me and my classmates will intern in various libraries here. I will still have to pass the librarian's board exam to be considered a professional. Its a funny coincidence, how once I was full of uncertainty, and the choices I made seemed unsure, random. Things have a way of straightening out, eventually.

That's all. Enjoy the Christmas and New Year, everyone.

I used to be an expert in sweating the small stuff.

I read this in Don't Sweat the Small Stuff for Teens by Richard Carlson and thought, “Wait. Story of my life.”

“I received a great letter from a teen who told me that, in the past, she had created a life in her head that included no friends. She'd convinced herself that no one could like her, and that everyone was angry with her. After hearing about the importance of recognizing her own thinking, she woke up to the fact that she was simply carrying on in her mind – it was just her thinking.

She said that she still has occasional insecure thoughts about what others are going to think of her, but she has learned to take them less seriously. As she recognizes her thinking, the sting of pain leaves her.”

Before, I thought I'd never be alright the way I am now. It turns out I just created a negative image of myself. Now that I'm 19, I feel like I didn't live the best of my teen years. Its only now I've realized that the best way to get rid of unpleasant feelings and insecurity is to think and do more for others. Forget myself, then I'll forget my problems (most are imaginary, anyway).  

Unhinged

"You really like your name, don't you?" asked the guy beside me in class. I was about to say "Huh?" when I saw the intermediate pad under my hand -- apparently, without realizing, I had written my name so many times in different styles and scripts. The blank spaces of my old lecture notes were also filled with my name.

That time I picked up a pop-psychology book on how to tell things about people from their clothes, houses, favorite colors or food, etc. There was a section on "what your doodling style says about you" and it said that writing one's name all over again shows that you're trying to "assert a sense of self".

Ever felt that you're not in your own body? Its been a constant feeling for me. I interact with this body, with this name, but I feel like my consciousness as an invisible eye above watching what this body does. I've always been wary about having my picture taken or even looking at the mirror sometimes. I've never been familiar with my own face. Writing my name, was my way of telling myself: this is you. You are here now. But where am I? The invisible eye or the person typing here?

This is why I'm absent-minded and spaced out at times.
- - -
I'm rereading a book where there was an old man who said I don't want to say my name. I don't want anyone talking about me, to say where I was and what I said when I was there. I mean, you can talk about me, maybe. But no one could say it was me. (The Road)

Radio Silence (on music)

My brother is a pop music geek. He's in an online forum on pop, where they discuss and analyze songs, hit charts, albums, and such. If not for him, I wouldn't know about the latest K-pop groups, UK acts, and music videos. I don't keep up with music much, and there's no genre I prefer. When I like a song, I'd look for the artist and download whole albums I could listen to for a long time.

I've been listening to Gorillaz, The Birthday Massacre, A Perfect Circle, and Sugababes for years. I like lyrics more than sound. A band I like lately is She Wants Revenge, and these are their kind of lines that made me like their songs:
I know we all have regrets, but that's the price of one more lesson learned ("I don't wanna fall in love")
Her words were in italics as it would fall from her lips ("Sister")
We got nowhere to go we got nothing to prove, instead of dancing alone I should be dancing with you ("Out of control")

Maybe I'm musically illiterate. I don't play any instrument and I never understood music concepts like time signatures, beats, or notes, as taught in MAPEH from elementary. Math, I comprehended more.
- - -
My friends back in high school used to list songs we like and pay an internet cafe to burn a CD for us. We didn't know enough about computers or downloading then to do it ourselves. I now feel that internet cafe was scamming us, as it costs 50 pesos. Now I could do that for less than 10 with a cheap blank CD.

My friends' older sisters got mix CDs from guys courting them, complete with custom printed covers and lyric sheets, love letters through songs and music.

Before music could be downloaded via clicks, I made mix tapes with a blank casette tape. In a tape with music on it already, there are two tiny plastic squares at the bottom that prevents it from being recorded on. Snip them off with a screwdriver, and now you can.

For the songs, it has to be chosen to a theme. I had to let that song play from a CD, tape, or wait for it to play on FM radio, then record. Trying to catch the song by the last way needs patience. I had to always tune to another station, only to feel regret when that song was ending, then to hear that it already started on the previous station and its too late. I had to rewind and wait again, and make sure I don't record over a song already on tape. It takes at least a week to complete one.

It wasn't to be given to anybody. I had to draw my own covers in crayon and write the list of songs on Side A and B, as printers and Photoshop were unheard of then. I made my own titles to the tape.

I can't recall any of those songs I recorded  from Grade 2 to 5, but I guess they were pop, rock, and OPM songs of that time. The tapes were all flooded away along with other things last 2008. Those songs seemed different and more felt when I first listened to a whole tape without pressing any button (stop|pause|rewind|forward|backward|record).

I miss that, but I prefer the easier way now.

A belated happy birthday

The same guys on the header, Yamazaki and Misaki from Welcome to the NHK
If I had it my way, birthdays will be treated just like any other day. I turned 18 last March 31st and it wasn't much, there was lots of food but it seemed like its my family who celebrated and not me. Some asked, "You don't have friends who'll come?" and I marvel at how much I don't have a life. Then I got a surprise visit from a high school/college(in UP) schoolmate. Which isn't really a surprise, since I met Roy earlier at a mall and he remembered my birthday, and I prefer that than a hundred internet greetings from Facebook.
- - -
In a small city like ours, hang out in a mall long enough and you'll surely meet someone you know. One day I was only walking around when I met high school classmates, and later I'm already in the funeral wake of the father of an ex-classmate, engrossed for hours in a card game.

We talked about recent debut parties they attended, with dances and eighteen roses, everyone dressed up and alcoholic drinks passed around, and I see how lame my own birthday was but its alright.
- - -
In the former university I attended, far away from home, its like large-scale social interaction with drinking was the norm. Yes, it is the norm. I'm the one who doesn't go out until now. I realized one of the reasons I left was I can't get used to living in a room with others, and I believe at some point of my stay there I was going insane.

Feel my absence.

In high school, I heard introvert used as an insult to describe weirdos who seemed to have their own worlds. Now in Psych class in college, I learned that introvert is just an aspect of personality, and not at all what those off-hand remarks meant (but even then I heard one classmate smugly say that its a word for losers).

~*~

I'm a person with no people. I don't have a lot of friends. I can count the people I can really talk to on one hand. My phone's inbox is empty, I can live without it. I can stay for a long time without talking or seeing anyone. I'm used to being alone. Why I left Facebook*, its my only contact with all the people I used to know, who don't know me anymore, there's no chance I'll see again. I want to forget them, as I want them to forget the me they knew. I want to forget the me I was.

~*~

When I transferred to a new school, I saw someone who was my classmate for 10 years since Grade 1 to high school. He gave me this 'Here's another 4 years in the same school and your ugly face' look. Its weird seeing someone just there for so long, but whom I don't know and never even had a straight conversation with, but in a way we grew up together. Later, he's already saying things from years ago, things I have forgotten, things I never knew about myself. Even about papers checked from Grade 4, embarrassing things. Curse old classmates with long memories.

~*~

This made me remember those people in the past I had falling-out with. You're so close with this person, then there's this sudden strain where people arrive, you can't stop change, then you're strangers. You can't talk to them again, there's something awkward hanging on the air when you pass by each other.

Its been a long time since I last saw them. Now I find myself missing them. Maybe it was my fault, too. Still, people get new friends, and until now I feel that I was left behind.

*5/6/11 I ate my words.

I don't even like me

Most of the time, I disagree with myself. I don't know if that makes sense. I hold mental debates with me on what I thought or said before, what's wrong with them.
I've said "There's always someone better out there", so am I comparing myself to others in whatever standard that rates people better or worse? Maybe comparing myself to others isn't a good idea.
I should lessen the use of "me" "I" "myself".
Dear self, stop talking about yourself. Me.

Honesty

“When you're in high school your life is focused on trying to be cool and impress people. College must remove those feelings, and anyone who still has that attitude past college will only get too full of himself.”

I can't remember where I read that or if those are the exact words. When I was younger, I'd go lengths to impress others. Now I want to smack my previous self to a wall. I wanted to be accepted, so people will think I am something. My role in life was that, but soon I realized that I wasn't thinking of myself first. I now saw what the others meant, what I've never seen because I was busy trying to impress: oh, that girl vying for our attention? Wala ginasapak sa balay?

That's it. No matter how much I convince myself that it was a long time ago and I'm different now, I still feel it gnawing. Forgive yourself, you were only 11 or 12 years old. Move on. I can't. My brother dubbed me with the mocking nickname of 'Miss Reminisce' because of my talent: flashback and replay embarrassing experiences and feel so bad about them again. Something from years ago, but damn, sometimes they feel crippling that I wish I wasn't born.

I think, what if people from back then still see me as the girl back then. But if I still care or think about whatever they may think of me, isn't that still me living for their expectations and not for myself?

The other realization is people don't care. They don't care if I care or not what they think. I shouldn't let something petty bother me.

Come college, I've seen that there are more pressing concerns in the bigger world than my own little world. I'm only one among 6,928,198,253 in the world. Its easy to say I don't matter. These thoughts that come to me when I'm in a crowd, and I don't feel like anything special. There's always someone better out there.

Breathe through your nose

One thing about me no one needs to hear about is my time as a shut-in. I didn't know what to answer if someone online asked, How are you? How I am, I can't answer "I was going insane."
 - - -
After my last trip to Cebu, the worst fever in my life struck. I stayed in bed for almost 72 hours, not eating or sleeping, just awake. I went to a doctor, the skull x-ray showed my sinuses were so clotted with dry snot and blood, and I wasn't getting enough air and it wasn't going where its supposed to. Turns out, my brain wasn't getting enough oxygen for years.

Which explains a lot of things. Your brain won't function properly. It causes insomnia which causes more things like shitty feelings. That high-school-angst-feeling, (no one understands me! I have no friends!) — I just didn't get enough sleep.

I was given antibiotics and nose sprays and it healed. Good thing it didn't get worse that it needed an operation. That's it kids, take care of your nose and get enough sleep.

and the best time to clean your ears and cut your nails is after a shower,
A

TWATM pt. 2

Exaggeration
Ako? Exaj? What?

Faceless
Wala akong pictures kasi wala akong mukha.

Graceless
"Aso, kabayo, at orchids lang ang may BREEDING! AKO, WALA!" -Earvin Delikado

Heartless
"How can you be so cold, so heartless?" he asked me. Then I showed him, my heart, in a jar of formaldehyde.

Logging in Facebook and seeing everyone woe and whine about heartbreak makes me glad I don't know anything about relationshits.

History
I failed everything in high school except History. I wrote down EVERYTHING the teacher said, including smartass remarks. My notebook was complete with narratives, dialogues. It was so great she didn't return it. Well, if she's using it now to teach ignorant high school kids (who won't listen anyway), then all's good.

Time Travel
Post sang friend sa FB: If only I could...
tanan nag-sabat: turn back time...
Ako ya, kay exaj: ...turn back time, if only I had said what I still hide, if only I could turn back time, I would stay for the night. Turn back time by AQUA? (Ang nag-kanta man BARBIE GIRL, rilly) wtf ga-post na ko ya lyrics man

Zombies
I decided that zombies are over-represented. These days its all about zombies and ninjas (zombie ninjas, anyone?). We need more on fairies, mermaids, leprechauns, tentacled monsters etc. But my cousin who is a zombie junkie insists: zombie fairies and zombie mermaids. I mean, he's got it all ready in case of zombie outbreak. Guns, supplies, you name it.