Sunday, October 6, 2013

Thinner than thou, or ‘Fat Blues’ [a poem]

What, you’re eating regular meals and then cereal? My smartass sister remarks.
She thinks she’s better than me because she’s thinner than me
Her meals are evenly measured in perfect two tablespoons of cooked rice
I cannot live that way, I gorge myself until I am full, I eat until I’m sick

I imagine what it is like if I was waif-like, having a slender body
Hearing people’s compliments of how thin I am
But in reality my chin sags, my thighs constrict my pants, if my upper arms were sliced I have a bagful of fat
My sister is 14 and I’m afraid she has a kind of anorexia her circumference is smaller than mine

But in reality I am jealous. She’s better than me because she’s thinner than me.
I imagine weight loss, I imagine how its like to have a tight stomach
Then I beat myself over for not moving more, for eating too much
Then I pass by someone whose first remark is how large I’ve become...

I like writing, I disappear, if my thoughts are on screen or on paper you can’t see how fat I am
I blame society, I blame the concept of beauty, I blame myself for being ugly
Even if how much I convince myself to accept myself and how much I read about self-acceptance

Each mealtime I think of avoiding her, and I feel like she’s sneering if I eat less
Even if you try to starve yourself you’ll never be as self-disciplined as I am! Hah, what you get for calling me fat before when you were smaller than me but look at us now
I know there is something wrong.
I am thinner than thou, thus better than thou

I want to disappear so no one will see I’m fat, so I won’t have to see my sister’s self-importance and competition
I want to take a knife and be on a mission, I’d cut everyone’s eyes out
So no one will judge by the cover, so I won’t have to feel like I have to (literally) diminish myself to win BEAUTY.

I want to devour I want to eat all I can eat even your flesh I want to eat the world I wish I were a dragon swallowing fire and dust and planets and I will encompass space I keep on imagining dragging myself away I want to lie and lie and sleep and not have anything else to do with the world I want to stop thinking of myself I wish

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