It's back again. You're not happy. You're not sad. Yet you feel like nothing but a bag of flesh wasting space. The nearest word is depression. Or an emptiness. You just want to disappear right there and then. You just want to will yourself to turn into a wisp of smoke and no one would notice you were gone.
I recall when it was the worst. I stayed in bed sick and unmoving for days, just staring blankly at the ceiling and walls, only going out to use the bathroom. I didn't eat. I was in a daze, I never slept a wink but stayed in bed. For awhile I really did believe I didn't exist. I was on a thin mattress in the corner of my room with too much pillows and a tangled mess of sheets and blankets. I couldn't count how many days it had been, I had actually lost weight this way, and even if there was school... I just sort of dragged myself. My body walked to school and did things automatically. I was aimless, I felt like I had lost myself and couldn't find it.
That was before. Yet it's coming back. I don't know why, even if I seemed to have improved I still feel it. I feel so fake. All the things I say, feels forced. There's something unreal about everything. I can't feel enthusiasm. I can't feel anything. I can't explain it to anybody properly, and these words written down is me trying to understand it, but I can't. I feel like a wind-up toy, getting up each morning and turning a knob in my back, just enough energy to get through the day. Yet I feel so dead and useless and dumb.
Maybe it will pass. But today one minor mistake made me feel an unreasonable amount of guilt that made me run from school to home. For no reason, I walked fast the side of the highway and felt like... what if I just lie on the middle of the street? What if I jump to the creek? How can I disappear? Can I cease existing? But... I know maybe this sounds so silly or mad, but I feel so useless for no reason.
I hate this feeling. I want the ability to enjoy things to go back. But I have intrusive thoughts that replay and won't get out. I want the ability to forget and get over things easily.